


KV: NTSB Investigator

by coldhope



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, M/M, air crash investigators, aviation technobabble, do not ask me why, humanstuck AU, pesterlogs, this was a thing that had to be done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-14
Updated: 2012-07-23
Packaged: 2017-11-09 23:30:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/459714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldhope/pseuds/coldhope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Karkat Vantas, representative of the National Transportation Safety Board, and the mysterious uu, representative of Her Majesty's Air Accident Investigation Branch, find themselves thrown together in the midst of an equally mysterious plane crash investigation.</p><p>Now with its very own <a href="http://asktheimprobableinvestigators.tumblr.com/">askblog!</a></p><p>
  <b>
    <span class="u">THIS FIC HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED.</span>
  </b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

WHY THE FUCK DOES ANY AIRLINE EVEN RUN THE DC-9 IN COUNTRIES WHERE IT IS LIKELY TO DEVELOP HARDCORE WING ICING ANYWAY. I MEAN.

PUTTING THE ENGINES WAY THE FUCK BACK THERE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE TAIL IS JUST ASKING FOR SHIT TO FALL OFF THE WINGS AND GET SUCKED IN. IT’S NOT LIKE THERE AREN’T A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER AIRCRAFT THEY COULD USE. THAT DON’T HAVE THAT FUCKING PROBLEM.

ALSO HAVING AN ENGINE INSIDE THE FUCKING VERTICAL STABILIZER ITSELF IS SUCH A SHITTY IDEA I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT MCDONNELL DOUGLAS WAS EVEN ATTEMPTING TO THINK WITH THE DC-10. SIOUX CITY WAS JUST FUCKING WAITING TO HAPPEN.

JESUS CRYSTALLIZING DICK I’M STARTING TO TALK IN SENTENCE FRAGMENTS. I’VE SPENT TOO LONG READING REPORTS BY THAT FUCKWIT FROM THE AIR ACCIDENT INVESTIGATION BRANCH WHOSE SHIFT KEY SEEMS MYSTERIOUSLY TO MALFUNCTION EACH TIME HE TYPES THE LETTER U.

~

WHAT. IS YOuR PROBLEM. WITH MCDONNELL DOuGLAS ANYWAY. THE DC SERIES HAS A FuCKING IMPRESSIVE SAFETY RECORD. I DON’T SEE YOu BITCHING AT BOEING ABOuT THAT WHOLE PCu VALVE ISSuE WITH THE 737.

THAT WASN’T BOEING, YOU DELIBERATELY OBTUSE FUCK. THAT WAS PARKER FUCKING HANNIFIN WHO MADE THE VALVE. AND IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SAFETY RECORDS LET’S GO SEE HOW THE MD-80 DID, SHALL WE? OH! WAIT! LOOKS LIKE THE JACKSCREW ASSEMBLY WORKING THE HORIZONTAL STABILIZER KILLED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE!

NOW WHO’S BEING DELIBERATELY OBTuSE. THAT WAS A MAINTENANCE ISSuE. THE DESIGN ITSELF. WAS NOT AT FAuLT. YOu MIGHT AS WELL SAY THAT ALOHA WAS DuE TO FAuLTY DESIGN. INSTEAD OF THE FACT THAT THE AIRCRAFT WAS FuCKING ANCIENT. AND HAD SPENT ITS WORKING EXISTENCE IN A HIGHLY CORROSIVE ENVIRONMENT.

I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN YOU’RE RIGHT, YOU KNOW. 

OF COuRSE I KNOW.

~

In a dark bar somewhere, in rumpled suits:

HEY. YOU’RE TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG ABOUT THE MD-80 BY THE WAY. SHIT WAS FLAWED FROM THE START.

OH, IT’S YOu. NICE TO SEE YOu TOO. WHAT THE FuCK ARE YOu ON ABOuT NOW.

I WENT BACK AND LOOKED IT UP. —LAPHROAIG, NO ICE, MAKE IT A DOUBLE. —FUCKING MCDONNELL DOUGLAS DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO DESIGN REDUNDANCY INTO THE LONGITUDINAL TRIM ACTUATOR SYSTEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. ONE JACKSCREW, ONE FUCKING NUT. THAT BREAKS, EVERYONE DIES.

NOT THIS AGAIN. JESuS FuCK, VANTAS. IT WAS A MAINTENANCE ISSuE.

YEAH, OKAY, IT WAS A MAINTENANCE ISSUE BUT THAT DOESN’T TAKE AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT THOSE FUCKING PLANES ARE STILL FLYING AROUND TODAY TWELVE YEARS LATER WITH THE SAME NON-FAILSAFE BULLSHIT STABILIZER DESIGN. RELYING ON AN AIRLINE’S FUCKING MAINTENANCE DIVISION TO MAKE SURE YOUR PLANE DOESN’T KILL PEOPLE IS A STRATEGY DOOMED TO FUCKING FAILURE. -THANKS.

WHAT ARE YOu EVEN DOING HERE. I HADN’T HEARD ABOuT ANY CRASHES uNDER NTSB JuRISDICTION LATELY. I’M STARTING TO THINK. THAT YOu JuST ENJOY MY COMPANY.

STOP CHANGING THE FUCKING SUBJECT AND ADMIT YOU’RE WRONG, JESUS CHRIST.

I THINK. THAT I TOuCHED A NERVE.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.

I KNOW. HEY. GET THE SHOuTY YANK ASSHOLE ANOTHER DRINK. HE’S MORE FuN WHEN HE’S uNINHIBITED.

OH NO YOU DON’T. —HEY, WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE, ANOTHER GROSS PINK TROPICAL WHATEVER THE BRIT JACKASS IS DRINKING, PUT IT ON MY TAB. TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME, FUCKHEAD.

Later that night:

I STILL HATE YOU. ALSO AIRBUS. I AM NOT FOND OF AIRBUS INDUSTRIE FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS. BUT MOSTLY I HATE YOU.

SHuT uP. AND DO THAT THING AGAIN. WITH THE THING.

LOT OF METASYNTACTIC VARIABLES IN THAT SENTENCE. YOU’RE STILL TOO COHERENT, THOUGH, I HAVE TO FIX THAT.

YOu SAY. THE STuPIDEST THINGS. I

_HNNNNNNNG_

THAT’S FUCKING BETTER.


	2. Chapter 2

WHOSE TIE IS THIS. I THOUGHT I HAD THE SORT OF BLUE ONE WITH THE THINGS ON IT.

I HAVE NO FuCKING IDEA. WHY. DID I DRINK ALL THOSE DRINKS. WITH LONG CHAIN SuGARS IN THEM. I THINK I’M GOING TO BE HORRIBLY SICK.

STRONG DRINK IS A MOCKER, ENGLISH. COWBOY UP, YOU HAVE TO CATCH THE NINE-THIRTY TO FUCKING OSLO. THESE ARE MY PANTS I’M WEARING, RIGHT?

I HATE YOu. NO. THOSE ARE MINE.

I MIGHT JUST KEEP THEM AS A MEMENTO OF OUR MAGICAL TIME TOGETHER.

I CAN’T TELL IF THAT’S HIDEOuSLY ROMANTIC. OR JuST SuPER CREEPY. GET ME COFFEE, VANTAS. OR I WILL FuCKING EXPIRE.

I SUPPOSE I CAN MANAGE THAT. YOU LOOK LIKE COMPLETE AND UTTER ASS, BY THE WAY. I COULD PROBABLY CALL THE AAIB OFFICES AND DEMAND TO BORROW YOU FOR THE DAY FOR CONSULTING PURPOSES.

FuCK. DO IT. DO IT NOW. I’M GOING TO CONSuLT. WITH THE BED. I AM THE BEST OF CONSuLTANTS. IT IS ME.

GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING PITIFUL WRECK. I LOVE IT. AND YOU’RE STILL WRONG ABOUT FLIGHT 261, I JUST MENTION IT IN PASSING. GO LIE DOWN AND I WILL CONSIDER RELINQUISHING YOUR PANTS.

~

WHAT? NO. I THOUGHT THAT GOT SORTED OUT LAST WEEK. THAT WAS ONE OF FEITH’S. MOST OF THE CASES THAT MAKE IT ON THE NATGEO CHANNEL ARE FEITH’S. THE CAMERA FUCKING LOVES THAT GUY, SERIOUSLY. MAKES ME SICK.

AND BEFORE YOU SAY WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE PLANNING ON SAYING, NO, I AM NOT FUCKING JEALOUS, I HAVE BETTER SHIT TO DO WITH MY TIME THAN PANDER TO A BUNCH OF RHINOPLASTIED MORONS WITH CAMERAS MAKING WHAT AMOUNTS TO TRAINWRECK SYNDROME PORN. THE NEW YORK THING WAS A ONE-OFF. I DON’T DO TV.

ANYWAY. I’M CALLING BECAUSE I NEED TO BORROW ENGLISH. THERE’S A DISCREPANCY IN ONE OF THE CVR ANALYSES FROM THE DELTA FLIGHT THAT I THINK CORRESPONDS TO SOMETHING FROM HIS LAST REPORT AND I NEED HIM TO GO OVER THIS SHIT WITH ME. SO HE WON’T BE IN OSLO. I KNEW YOU’D UNDERSTAND.

YOU CAN HAVE HIM BACK TOMORROW, ONLY SLIGHTLY FOXED.

WHAT. THE FuCK. ARE YOu TELLING THEM.

SHOOSH, I’M ON THE _PHONE_ , JESUS. SO YEAH. TELL THE DEPUTY CHIEF INSPECTOR THAT THE NTSB WILL SEND A FLOWERY LETTER OF THANKS IN PLACE OF A CHECK FOR CONSULTANT FEES. THERE WILL BE GORGEOUS TURNS OF RHETORIC. SHIT WILL BE FUCKING QUALITY, I AM TELLING YOU.

YES, YES, FUCK YOU TOO. TALK SOON. I’LL TELL FEITH YOU CONTINUE TO LUST AFTER HIM. BYE NOW.

STOP LYING. ON THE TELEPHONE. AND COME HERE.

I REQuIRE YOuR uNDIVIDED ATTENTION. ALL OF IT.

VANTAS.

I WANT. ROOM SERVICE.

THIS RIGHT HERE IS MY OLYMPIC-LEVEL LEER. FEW HAVE SEEN IT AND SURVIVED.

HNNNGH. GET BACK IN THIS BED. RIGHT NOW.

~

YES. NO. NO, I TOLD SHIRLEY TO PUT THAT THROUGH TWO DAYS AGO. LOOK, I’M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE GODDAMN BUDGET AND FINANCE ASSHOLES’ INABILITY TO MEET DEADLINES. I JUST SUBMIT THE FINDINGS. THEN YOU PAY ME.

MNuRGH.

THE PAYING ME THING IS KIND OF KEY. I WANT THAT TO BE NOTED.

MNuuuuuRGH.

WHAT? NO. I’M AT THE AQUARIUM. THAT’S A MANATEE YOU CAN HEAR. I DON’T THINK IT’S LONG FOR THIS WORLD, ACTUALLY. LOOKS PRETTY FUCKING PATHETIC.

FuCK YOu. MNGH.

IT’S SAD WHEN MAJESTIC LEVIATHANS OF THE DEEP END UP LIKE THIS, I SWEAR. LOOK, I GOTTA GO, I THINK THE MANATEE KEEPERS ARE HERE TO PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY. JUST EMAIL ME THE SHIT YOU NEED ME TO LOOK AT, OKAY? YES. FUCK THEM IF THEY CAN’T TAKE A JOKE.

FuCK YOu. I AM NOT A FuCKING MANATEE.

SOUND LIKE ONE, THOUGH. GODDAMN. WHAT’S THE MATTER, ANYWAY? YOU STILL FEELING LOUSY?

YES. INTENSELY.

HMM. YOU CAN’T STILL BE HUNGOVER, IT’S LIKE FIVE IN THE AFTERNOON. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU ACTUALLY GOT ANY FUCKING REST?

I DON’T KNOW. FuCKING JET LAG. MY SLEEP SCHEDuLE IS ALL FuCKED uP.

LAST MONTH I WAS IN BERMuDA. THAT WAS JuST FINE.

THIS FuCKING WEEK ALONE. I’VE BEEN TO SIX DIFFERENT COuNTRIES. HNGH. WHAT. ARE YOu DOING.

SHUT UP AND GIVE ME A BETTER ANGLE. GODDAMN YOU’RE CARRYING A FUCKTON OF STRESS IN YOUR NECK AND SHOULDERS.

NNNNNGH. OH. OH WOW.

O-OH FuCK. VANTAS.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A GODDAMN HOLIDAY. A PROPER ONE. WITHOUT DOING ANY WORK.

MMMMNNNNNGH THAT. THAT FEELS. INCREDIBLE.

YOu’RE INCREDIBLE.

YOU ARE ONLY NOTICING THIS NOW? JESUS DICK, ENGLISH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING OBSERVANT. SHUT UP AND LET ME GIVE YOU A BACKRUB SANS THE COMMENTARY.

SHuTTING uP.

…FUCK, YOU _MUST_ BE FEELING ROUGH. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING TO FUCKING KIDNAP YOU AND TAKE YOU ON VACATION. YOU WILL FUCKING RELAX AND THAT IS A STRAIGHT-UP OFFICIAL MOTHERFUCKING ORDER.

OOOH, MISTER VANTAS. OOOH.

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE SASS.

~

NGH. WHAT. THE FUCK TIME IS IT?

JENKINS YOU BETTER HAVE A TRULY STUNNING REASON FOR CALLING ME AT FOUR-THIRTY IN THE FUCKING MORNING OR SO HELP ME WHEN I GET BACK TO THE OFFICE I AM GOING TO TELL VICKY EVERYTHING YOU SAID. EVERY LAST GODDAMN W-

WHAT? WHERE?

WHAT ABOUT SURVIVORS?

FUCK. FUCK ME. OH, FUCKING CHRIST. SHUT UP, I’M BEING PROFESSIONAL AS I FUCKING CAN, I JUST WOKE UP. OKAY. RIGHT. NO ONE ELSE FROM OUR BUNCH IS AVAILABLE?

WSFGL.

SHH. -NO, NOT YOU, JENKINS. WHAT ABOUT THE BOMB THING? HUH. DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A BOMB SO FAR, BUT…AH. OKAY. MAYBE THAT THEORY CAN BE DISCOUNTED SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. FUCK. OKAY, OKAY, I’M UP. I’M ON MY WAY. I-

I MIGHT KNOW WHERE HE IS, YES?

FUCK, I DON’T KNOW, LET ME GO BANG ON HIS DOOR. JESUS DICK WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO WAKE UP TO.

WHO IS IT.

HEADQUARTERS. THERE’S BEEN AN ACCIDENT ON TURKS AND CAICOS. OUR PLANE FLOWN BY OUR CARRIER OUT OF OUR FUCKING AIRPORT WITH A BOMB THREAT CALLED IN. BUT-

NNNNGH. NGH. FuCK THIS HEADACHE. TuRKS AND CAICOS IS BRITISH OVERSEAS TERRITORY. GIVE ME THE PHONE.

WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE I HAVE TO GET OUT OF BED, PUT ON PANTS, GO AND KNOCK ON A MYTHICAL NEIGHBORING ROOM’S DOOR, EXPLAIN TO YOU, AND THEN HAND YOU THE PHONE.

RIGHT. WHAT FuCKING HOLIDAY WHERE.

I HEAR WHERE THOSE PARTICULAR ISLANDS HAPPEN TO BE A FUCKING PARADISE. EXCEPT WHERE THE FLAMING WRECKAGE IS, I MEAN. FUCK. EVERYONE IS DEAD.

THE FuCK TIME IS IT THERE? SHuT uP. I’M COuNTING….MuST BE JuST GETTING ON FOR TEN-ISH. OKAY. _NOW_ GIVE ME THE PHONE. -HELLO? YES. THIS IS ENGLISH. VANTAS JUST WOKE…OH. I SEE. YES, SIR.

LOOKS LIKE THERE’S A BA TO MIAMI DEPARTING IN AN HOUR. TELL YOUR PEOPLE TO GET US SEATS.

SHuT uP. -NO, SIR. NOT YOu. I APOLOGIZE. YES. I’M ON MY WAY. DO YOu WANT ME TO GO ON LIAISING WITH VANTAS. OR WILL THERE BE REASSIGNMENT.

THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL IT IN ENGLAND?

THANK YOu, SIR. I’LL MAKE SuRE HE GETS ON THAT FLIGHT. YES. RIGHT-OH.

WELL?

WELL WHAT. YOu AND I ARE BOTH ASSIGNED TO THE CASE. AAIB AND NTSB ARE COLLABORATING. WE’RE SuPPOSED TO TAKE OFF IN HALF A FuCKING HOuR. SO LET’S TRY AND WORK OuT WHOSE PANTS ARE WHOSE.


	3. Chapter 3

en route to Miami

STOP THAT.

STOP WHAT?

FIDGETING. JESuS CHRIST IT’S LIKE SITTING NEXT TO A TODDLER. NEXT THING YOu’RE GOING TO START KICKING THE SEAT IN FRONT OF YOu.

FUCK YOU. I AM NOT FIDGETING.

YOu TOTALLY ARE. ALSO. QuIT LOOKING OuT THE WINDOW EVERY TWO SECONDS. THE ENGINES ARE STILL ATTACHED TO THE FuCKING WINGS.

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, BITE ME. I CAN’T HELP NOTICING THAT WE’RE ON A FUCKING 737 WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME GODDAMN PLANE THAT NOBODY YET KNOWS WHY IT FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND KILLED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, FUCKING SUE ME FOR BEING A TRIFLE CONCERNED.

YOu’RE NOT CONCERNED. YOu’RE HAVING A MINOR FuCKING ANXIETY ATTACK. SHIT IS EMBARRASSING. ALSO. KEEP IT DOWN. YOu’RE STARTING TO WORRY OTHER PASSENGERS.

FUUUUCK. YOOOOU. OH GOD.

JuST BREATHE. HERE. DRINK SOME WATER.

HNGH. I’M OKAY. I’M FINE. I’M COOL.

…I SHOULD SWITCH CAREERS. MAYBE BREED TROPICAL FISH OR SOMETHING.

YOu’LL BE FINE. THIS PART IS ALWAYS AWFuL. WAITING TO SEE WHAT KIND OF MESS WE’RE DEALING WITH. ONCE WE GET STARTED YOu’LL DO A GREAT JOB. YOu ALWAYS DO.

I DO?

YEAH. I LOVE READING YOuR REPORTS. FuCKING QuALITY WORK.

…THANKS.

~

HE’S DEPLOYING HIS SLATS AWFULLY EARLY. DON’T YOU THINK?

OH MY GOD SHuT uP.

~~~

NOW WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING MOROSE ABOUT? YOU DON’T STILL HAVE A HEADACHE, RIGHT?

I’M TIRED, OKAY? FuCKING JET LAG. LIKE I SAID. MY SLEEP SCHEDuLE HAS BEEN COMPREHENSIVELY FuCKED RECENTLY.

YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN SOME SLEEP ON THE FLIGHT INTO MIAMI.

YES. BECAuSE THAT WOuLD HAVE BEEN A THING THAT WAS POSSIBLE. WITH YOu HYPERVENTILATING NEXT TO ME. THE WHOLE WAY.

IT WAS SO NOT THE WHOLE WAY, JESUS CHRIST. HMPH.

THE FuCK ARE YOu DOING?

SHHH. IT’S A FUCKING CHARTERED PLANE, NOBODY IS GONNA BE WATCHING, AND YOU ARE TENSING YOURSELF UP INTO FUCKING CLUSTER LAND. I’M GONNA NEED YOU WORKING AT SOME APPROXIMATION OF NORMAL FUNCTIONALITY WHEN WE LAND, SO SHUT UP AND LET ME AT LEAST TRY TO MAKE UP FOR BEHAVING LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKWIT ON THE OTHER FLIGHT.

NOT A COMPLETE FuCKWIT. JuST LIKE. HALF OF ONE. NNNNGH. NGH.

OKAY, A DEMIFUCKWIT. JESUS DICK ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS TENSE?

DuNNO. IT’S NOT LIKE. I’VE HAD TONS OF PEOPLE RuB MY NECK. THAT IS NOT A SITuATION THAT COMMONLY OCCuRS.

WE HAVE HALF AN HOUR UNTIL WE GET THERE, AND THEN I WON’T SEE YOU FOR FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, DEPENDING ON THE INITIAL EVALUATION. PRESUMABLY AAIB WILL STICK YOU IN SOME MOTEL SOMEWHERE. IT WOULD BE SUPER FUCKING CONVENIENT IF WE WERE TO BE STUCK IN THE SAME MOTEL, I AM THINKING.

THAT’S. FORESIGHTFuL AND STRATEGIC OF YOu. HNG. NNNNNGH. OH FuCK. OW.

I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO TO INFLUENCE THAT. IN THE MEANTIME FUCKING RELAX, OKAY? GOD, I THOUGHT I’D UNKNOTTED HALF THIS SHIT YESTERDAY.

HNNK. NG. YES. VANTAS. MAKE IT SO THAT YOu ARE ALSO. IN WHATEVER MOTEL. THEY PuT ME IN.

YESSIR.


	4. Chapter 4

TO: AAIB HQ/DEPUTY CHIEF INVESTIGATOR’S OFFICE

FROM: cenglish@aaib.gov.uk

PRELIMINARY NOTES/AAIB INVESTIGATOR-IN-CHARGE CALIBORN ENGLISH  
LIAISON TO NTSB ACCREDITED REPRESENTATIVE K. VANTAS

(THIS ONE IS GOING TO BE A MESS. I’M SENDING THE PHOTO FILES NOW BuT THE CONNECTION IN THIS HOTEL IS PATHETIC. LET ME KNOW IF ANY OF THE FILES DON’T TRANSFER.)

INITIAL SITE ASSESSMENT: JuNE 13, 2012. N5298, BOEING 737-200 OPERATED AS BRIGHTAIR FLIGHT 582 BY BRIGHTAIR, SuBSIDIARY OF GREEN JET INC. CRASHED SHORT OF RuNWAY 28, PROVIDENCIALES INT’L AIRPORT, TuRKS AND CAICOS ISLANDS.

AIRCRAFT DESTROYED BY IMPACT AND SuBSEQuENT FIRE. INITIAL EFFORTS TO LOCATE THE FOuR CORNERS OF THE PLANE ARE uNDERWAY. WITH NOSE CONE ALREADY SECuRED AND LEFT WINGTIP FOuND NEARLY INTACT A HuNDRED YARDS FROM THE MAIN WRECKAGE. NO SuRVIVORS. MEDICAL EXAMINER’S OFFICE IS CuRRENTLY REMOVING REMAINS.

DIFFICuLT TO TELL DuE TO THE EXTENT OF THE DAMAGE AND THE FIRE SuPPRESSANT FOAM CONTAMINATING THE SITE BuT THERE DOES NOT APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN ANY IN-FLIGHT BREAKuP. CORROBORATED BY WITNESSES’ CLAIMS THAT AIRCRAFT WAS “IN ONE PIECE” WHEN IT HIT THE GROuND. WITNESSES ALSO REPORT AIRCRAFT IN STEEP NOSE-uP PITCH ANGLE DESCENDING RAPIDLY. INDICATING POTENTIAL STALL CONDITION.

AFT CARGO HOLD IS EXTREMELY BADLY DAMAGED. WE ARE STILL TRYING TO LOCATE AND RECOVER THE CVR AND FDR. SO FAR IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DETERMINE IF THE FIRE DAMAGE IS LIMITED TO POST-IMPACT OR IF THERE WAS A FIRE ON BOARD THE AIRCRAFT DuRING FLIGHT.

FuRTHER INFORMATION TO FOLLOW ONCE I’VE MET WITH VANTAS. WE NEED ALL THE STAFF YOu CAN SPARE. THIS DOES NOT IMMEDIATELY APPEAR TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH RuDDER MALFuNCTION BASED ON EYEWITNESS TESTIMONY BuT OBVIOuSLY AT THIS STAGE WE ARE NOT RuLING ANYTHING OuT.

CE

TO: kvantas@ntsb.gov

FROM: cenglish@aaib.gov.uk

HAS YOuR ROOM. GOT A COFFEE MACHINE.

BECAuSE I AM GOING TO DIE. IF I DO NOT GET A CuP OF SHITTY COFFEE. IN THE NEXT TWENTY MINuTES. I TELL YOu THIS BECAuSE AS MY CO-INVESTIGATOR YOu MIGHT FIND IT INCONVENIENT TO HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK YOuRSELF.

ALSO I WANT TO COMPARE NOTES. IF YOu KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

FuCK I’M TIRED.

CE

 

~

 

TO: NTSB HQ/DEPUTY DIRECTOR’S OFFICE/jjohnson@ntsb.gov

FROM: kvantas@ntsb.gov

THIS IS A HUGE FUCKING MESS, JOHNSON. SEE ATTACHED PICTURES FOR HOW HUGE OF A FUCKING MESS IT IS.

MORE LATER. I NEED TO DEBRIEF THE AAIB INVESTIGATOR.

KV

TO: cenglish@aaib.gov.uk

FROM: kvantas@ntsb.gov

I NEED TO DEBRIEF YOU.

AND ALSO DISCUSS THE CASE.

KV

 

~

Miramar Hotel

—NGH…NO STOP IT…FUCKING STOP IT…

I SAID WAKE THE FuCK UP. YOu’RE OKAY. IT’S A DREAM.

SHOOSH. SHOOOOOOOSH, KARKAT.

UGH FUCKING…FUCK…SORRY. DID I WAKE YOU?

YOu WERE KIND OF THRASHING AROuND. AND WHIMPERING.

THAT DID NOT HAPPEN I NEVER WHIMPER. YOU ARE DELUSIONAL. FUCK. WHAT TIME IS IT?

GETTING ON FOR FOuR. YOu’RE STILL JETLAGGED. WHAT DID YOU DREAM?

OH. JUST THE STANDARD SHIT. YOU KNOW, THE SITE, THE SHIT YOU ALWAYS SEE. AT LEAST THIS TIME IT WASN’T A LITTLE KID’S TEDDY BEAR STILL FUCKING SMOULDERING, YOU KNOW? NGH. TROPICAL FUCKING FISH SEEM MORE INVITING ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW WHAT YOu MEAN. BuT THIS SHIT HAS GOT TO BE DONE. KARKAT. SOMEBODY’S GOTTA FuCKING DO IT. MIGHT AS WELL BE uS. BECAuSE MOST OF THE REST OF THE uNIVERSE IS TOO FuCKING STuPID TO MANAGE.

WE FIGuRE OuT WHAT TOOK DOWN THIS PLANE. MAYBE WE CAN STOP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN. LIKE. THESE POOR FuCKERS DIDN’T HAVE TO DIE COMPLETELY IN VAIN.

THAT IS ALMOST LYRICAL. JESUS CHRIST. JUST. NGH. YOU’RE RIGHT, I KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT BUT JUST…CAN YOU…

HOLD YOu? YEAH. I THINK I CAN PROBABLY MANAGE THAT.

WHEN THIS IS OVER YOU ARE GOING ON FUCKING HOLIDAY AND THAT IS AN OFFICIAL DICTATE FROM NTSB. AND SO AM I, COINCIDENTALLY AT THE EXACT SAME LOCATION AS YOU.

WHAT AN AMAZING RANDOM HAPPENSTANCE. TO BE SuRE.

NGH DO THAT AGAIN. THE, THE BACK-RUBBING THING.

LIKE SO?

MMMNNNGH.

GO BACK TO SLEEP, YOu IDIOT. WE HAVE WORK TO DO IN A FEW HOuRS.

 

~

Miramar Hotel, morning: shit gets meta

 

HuH.

HUH WHAT?

WE’VE BEEN JOSSED, APPARENTLY. HERE. THE NEWSPAPER JuST SHOWED uP.

FUCK THE NEWSPAPER, IS THERE ANY COFFEE LEFT? ALSO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING UP SO EARLY. I KNOW I WOKE YOU UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT WITH MY FLAILY BULLSHIT.

NO, YOu WOKE ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EARLY MORNING. HERE. I SAVED YOu SOME. WITH SuGAR IN.

BuT WE’VE BEEN COMPREHENSIVELY FuCKING JOSSED, KARKAT.

MORE SUGAR. BE NOT FUCKING PARSIMONIOUS. ALSO, WE’RE A HUMANSTUCK AU. WE ARE NOT SUSCEPTIBLE TO JOSSING. WRONG FAILURE MODEL. YOU’RE STILL A THIRTYSOMETHING RUMPLED JERKFACE BRITISH FUCKWIT AND I’M STILL A THIRTYSOMETHING RUMPLED FOULMOUTHED AMERICAN FUCKWIT. SHIT CAN’T BE CHANGED. YOU’RE STUCK WITH ME.

…HERE. HAVE ALL THE SuGAR. ALL OF IT.

YOu’RE. uM.

STuCK. WITH ME. TOO.

FUCKING DUH, MAN. I WOULD NO OTHER FUCKING COMPANY.


	5. Chapter 5

Karkat: ==>Think out loud.

FIELD NOTES

K. VANTAS

OK. LET’S TRY TO GET SOME OF THIS SHIT DOWN PROPERLY. LIKE WE SAID THIS IS A GIGANTIC MESS. WE’RE AGREED: THE PLANE BROKE UP ON IMPACT INTO THREE MAIN SECTIONS. THE TAIL STRUCK FIRST AND SNAPPED OFF JUST AFT OF THE WINGS; THE REST OF THE FUSELAGE STAYED TOGETHER BRIEFLY BEFORE THE COCKPIT SECTION SEPARATED. BASED ON WHAT THE WITNESSES SAID IT WAS GOING LIKE HELL AND DESCENDING SHARPLY WITH THE NOSE STICKING UP AT A HIGH DEGREE OF PITCH, WHICH SAYS TO ME THAT THEY LOST HORIZONTAL STAB CONTROL, BUT THE EMPENNAGE ITSELF IS IN SEVERAL BADLY DAMAGED PIECES AND WE’RE STILL LOOKING FOR THE HYDRAULIC SERVO ASSEMBLY. IF THIS IS ANOTHER GODDAMN PARKER HANNIFIN THING I SWEAR I WILL HAVE AN I TOLD YOU SO ANEURYSM. NO, I AM NOT BIASED. I AM JUST FUCKING RATIONAL. YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.

BRIGHTAIR HAS COME FORWARD WITH N5298’S SERVICE HISTORY. NO OBVIOUS RED FLAGS ON A FIRST READTHROUGH. NOTHING ABOUT TRIM SURFACE CONTROL ISSUES. THEY’D JUST FINISHED A C-CHECK ON IT TWO DAYS BEFORE THE FLIGHT TO REPLACE SOME LIGHTBULBS, CHECK THE AFT CARGO BAY DOOR LATCHES, AND CHANGE THE GEAR TIRES. NOTHING TO DO WITH THE EMPENNAGE. 

WHAT? NO. ACCORDING TO BRIGHTAIR THEY CHECKED THE SERVO UNIT A MONTH AGO AS PART OF SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE, SHIT WAS FINE THEN. NOT THAT THAT RULES ANYTHING OUT.

OK. BACKGROUND INFO. FLIGHT 582 IS A NONSTOP FROM BOSTON TO PROVIDENCIALES. APPARENTLY BOTH PILOTS KNEW THE ROUTE WELL. YOU WOULD NOT THINK THAT THERE ARE SUFFICIENT BOSTONIANS REGULARLY VACATIONING ON THESE ISLANDS TO MAKE SUCH A ROUTE PROFITABLE BUT HEY, WHO THE HELL KNOWS HOW THOSE CHUCKLEFUCKS IN THE AIRLINE INDUSTRY LEADERSHIP THINK. IT FLIES ONCE A WEEK ON SATURDAY EVENINGS: A FOUR-HOUR FLIGHT, GIVE OR TAKE, DEPARTING FROM LOGAN AT 5:10 AND ARRIVING AT 9 PM. 

METEOROLOGY IS STARTING TO COME IN. LET’S SEE. OK. LOOKS LIKE THEY RAN INTO SOME NASTY WEATHER JUST AFTER PASSING EAST OF THE TIP OF FLORIDA. MIAMI ATC SAYS…WHAT DOES MIAMI ATC SAY…OK, THE PILOTS MENTIONED THEIR ONBOARD WEATHER RADAR SHOWED A STORM AHEAD AND THEY WERE DIVERTING EASTWARD AROUND IT, BUT THERE WASN’T ANY HINT THAT THEY WERE IN TROUBLE AT THAT POINT. THEY PASSED OUT OF U.S. ATC CONTACT WHAT, APPROXIMATELY HALF AN HOUR BEFORE THE CRASH. 

JESUS, PROVO IS ONE OF THE LITTLEST FUCKING AIRPORTS I HAVE EVER SEEN THAT STILL HANDLES JETS LIKE THE 737 AND A320. IT IS THIRD-WORLD UP IN HERE. THERE’S NOT EVEN ANY DECENT RADAR TRACKING, LET ALONE ILS OR ANY KIND OF DOPPLER WEATHER SETUP. POOR BASTARDS IN THE TOWER MIGHT AS WELL STICK THEIR HEADS OUT THE WINDOW AND GESTURE: APPROACH CONTROL SEEMS TO BE ENTIRELY DEPENDENT ON PILOTS TELLING THE PROVO TOWER WHERE THEY ARE. 

YEAH. “HEY OVER HERE! YOU GUYS IN THE PLANE! FLY THIS DIRECTION!”

“NO NOT YOU OTHER GUYS IN THE OTHER PLANE, I’LL DEAL WITH YOU IN A SECOND!”

I WILL NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODY WOULD EVER WANT TO BE AN ATC CONTROLLER EVER, PUSHING TIN NOTWITHSTANDING. OK. TRANSCRIPTS ARE BEING PREPARED. THE BOMB THREAT THING IS OF COURSE BEING INVESTIGATED BUT SO FAR IT REALLY DOES SEEM LIKE THE GUY WHO CALLED IT IN IS JUST FUCKING LOOPY, PLUS THERE’S NO EVIDENCE AT ALL THAT ANYTHING EXPLODED ON BOARD. A REALLY SHITTY COINCIDENCE OR WHAT.

NO, I DON’T BELIEVE IN THAT SHIT EITHER, SHOOSH AND TOSS ME MY PHONE, IT’S IN MY JACKET.

—FUCK. THEY JUST FOUND THE FDR. WE MAY BE GETTING SOMEWHERE AT LAST.

~

flight data recorders are like boxes of chocolates in the forrest gump sense

 

WHOA.

RIGHT.

REALLY WHOA.

THAT’S LIKE. IT’S ALASKA 261 IN REVERSE. FuCKING STABILIZER RAN AWAY FuLL NOSE uP.

FOR ONCE IT ISN’T THE FUCKING RUDDER. HOLD ME, I MAY FAINT. —OK, GO BACK, PINPOINT WHERE IT STARTED. THAT HAD TO’VE THROWN A STAB-OUT-OF-TRIM WARNING.

YEAH. HERE. PILOTS APPARENTLY TRIED TO MOVE THE STAB CONTROLS MANuALLY. WAIT.

FUCK, THE PCU VALVE DID FAIL, IT HAD TO HAVE, LOOK, FIFTEEN SECONDS AFTER THE TRIM CHANGED, THE STANDBY PCU PRESSURE SPIKED.

FORCE FIGHT MONITOR?

HAD TO BE. SO SOMETHING FUCKED UP THE HYDRAULICS IN THE TAIL ENOUGH TO GET ALL THE SAFETY SYSTEMS PANICKING. THE FFM’S ONLY SUPPOSED TO START UP THE STANDBY VALVE IF IT GETS CONFLICTING INFORMATION FROM TWO SEPARATE INPUTS.

YEAH. WHICH COuLD HAVE BEEN A BuNCH OF THINGS. WHEN WE GET THE CVR. IT SHOuLD CLEAR THIS uP.

SO WE HAVE SOME KIND OF CLUSTERFUCK IN THE TAIL. THEN WHAT?

IT LOOKS LIKE. THEY LOST A TON OF ALTITuDE. PRESuMABLY WHILE TRYING TO FIGuRE OuT WHAT THE FuCK WAS uP WITH THE TRIM. AND. WOW. OK. I WANT TO PLOT THIS SHIT ON A GRAPH. WHAT’S THE 737’s MAX PITCH ANGLE AGAIN?

I’M GONNA GUESS IT’S _CONSIDERABLY LESS THAN THAT._

~

cockpit voice recorder analysis with your hosts karkat and caliborn

CAM — Cockpit area microphone voice or sound source

-1 — Voice identified as Pilot-in-Command (PIC)

-2 — Voice identified as Co-Pilot

# — Expletive

CAM- 2 what’s goin’ on.

CAM- 1 whoa #.

CAM- 1 ##.

CAM (( sound of stab-out-of-trim warning)).

THERE IT IS. NOTHING UP UNTIL NOW.

CHRIST. THIS IS ONLY THE LAST TWO MINuTES OF THE TAPE. THEY WERE ON SHORT FINAL BEFORE ANYTHING EVEN HAPPENED.

CAM-2 what the

CAM-1 stabilizer

CAM-2 stab trim

CAM-2 the # is it doing? get. no.

CAM-1 not getting anything.

CAM (( sound of trim-in-motion tone)).

CAM (( sound of trim-in-motion tone)).

WHERE’S THE FDR PRINTOUT—YEAH. THIS IS THE SECOND PITCH CHANGE. THEY’RE AT THIRTY-EIGHT DEGREES HERE. STILL GOING.

CAM-2 got it wait.

CAM-2 whoa.

CAM ((sound of master caution warning tone)).

CAM-1 master caution.

CAM-1 look at that.

THIS IS RIGHT ABOuT. WHEN EVERYTHING IN THE TAIL GOES TO SHIT. RIGHT?

THEY’RE LOSING HYDRAULICS. THERE’S THE STANDBY PCU PRESSURIZING AND THEN IT LOOKS LIKE PRESSURE IS GOING DOWN IN BOTH SYSTEMS.

CAM-2 what’s.

CAM-1 my airplane.

CAM ((sound of autopilot disconnect tone))

CAM-1 try the pickle switches. anything.

CAM-2 no. suitcase handles no. #. what’s it.

CAM-1 # this thing wants to pull right up.

CAM-2 does it.

CAM-1 pushing the.

CAM (( sound of trim-in-motion tone)).

CAM ((sound of rudder ratio alarm tone)).

CAM-2 we’re losing it hydraulics.

CAM-1 can’t hold it

CAM-1 runaway full nose up.

HERE WE GO. THEY’RE NOW AT 83 DEGREES NOSE-UP, AND HAVE LOST A BUNCH OF ALTITUDE. YOU THINK AT THIS POINT IF THE TRIM SURFACES MAGICALLY STARTED WORKING THEY COULD HAVE RECOVERED THE AIRCRAFT?

YOu’RE ASKING MY OFFICIAL OPINION?

DID I STUTTER?

FuCK YOu. OK. NO. NOT AT THIS ALTITuDE AND AIRSPEED. AND THESE ENGINE SETTINGS. THEY WERE MAKING THEIR FINAL APPROACH TO PROVO. MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION IS THAT ONCE THE PITCH WENT THROuGH ABOuT 45 DEGREES THEIR SHIT WAS FuCKED.

TO COIN A PHRASE.

CAPTAIN’S STILL FIGHTING. LOOK AT THE CONTROL COLUMN INPUT, HE’S PUSHING THE NOSE DOWN AS HARD AS HE CAN GIVEN THE FACT THE FUCKING PLANE IS BASICALLY VERTICAL AT THIS POINT.

CAM-2 bank. bank we’re.

CAM-1: pedals # oh.

CAM ((sound of stick shaker starts and continues to end of recording))

CAN’T REACH THE RUDDER PEDALS.

CAM- 1 oh no # no.

CAM- 1 # # #.

CAM- 1 hold on hold on keep it light easy #.

CAM (( stall warning starts and continues until end of recording)).

GPWS too low gear.

CAM- 1 oh #.

GPWS too low - terrain terrain.

CAM (( sound similar to engine surge)).

CAM- 1 oh # #.

CAM (( sound similar to engine surge)).

CAM (( sound similar to engine surge)).

GPWS woop woop pull up.

CAM (( sound similar to engine surge)).

CAM (( sound similar to engine surge)).

CAM (( sound similar to engine surge)).

CAM- 2 something - what’s happening.

CAM- 2 oh no.

end of recording.

WHAT IS THIS REMINDING ME OF. KARKAT.

RUNAWAY HORIZONTAL STAB TRIM IS YOUR CLASSIC GODDAMN ALASKA 261 DISASTER, BUT SOMEBODY FUCKED UP AND GOT THE TYPE OF PLANE WRONG.

NOT THAT. NO, FuCK, THERE’S SOMETHING HERE THAT DOESN’T ADD uP.

YEAH, LIKE WHAT COULD MAKE THE STABILIZER ON A 737 SEIZE UP CONCURRENTLY WITH LOSING ALL THE HYDRAULICS AT ONCE? IT CAN’T BE THERMAL SHOCK, I MEAN, THEY’D HAVE HAD TO USE THE STABILIZER STARTING MUCH EARLIER IN THE DESCENT AND IT DIDN’T MISBEHAVE UNTIL RIGHT BEFORE LANDING.

WHAT’S BACK THERE. THAT COuLD CATCH ON FIRE.

…THAT’S A DAMN GOOD QUESTION.


	6. Chapter 6

==> Caliborn: experience satori

NO. WAIT. REWIND IT. I WANT TO HEAR THAT BIT AGAIN.

THEY’RE JUST TALKING TO ATC MIAMI. NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FLIGHT ITSELF.

SHuT uP, I’M TRYING TO LISTEN.

~

THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING NO…HUH. OK SO THEY FLEW THROUGH RED WEATHER BUT THAT DIDN’T SEEM TO DO SHIT TO THE PLANE.

LOOK AT THE FDR. FOR THAT PART OF THE ACCIDENT FLIGHT. NO. LOOK. PROPERLY.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR? THEY HIT TURBULENCE DUE TO WEATHER, PILOTS CLICKED OFF THE AUTOPILOT AND FLEW THE THING MANUALLY, AFTER LIKE TEN MINUTES THE TURBULENCE SUBSIDED, WHAT?

I DON’T HAVE. ALL THE PIECES YET. BuT I THINK THAT WHAT THEY DID. DuRING THE TuRBuLENCE. IS OF PARAMOuNT FuCKING IMPORTANCE TO THIS INVESTIGATION.

THEY FUCKING MOVED THE RUDDER BACK AND FORTH AND THE STABILIZER UP AND DOWN. SO?

THAT’S JuST IT. I DON’T KNOW. BuT SOMETHING IS NAGGING ME.

THE TAIL WAS FUCKING DESTROYED FROM THE INSIDE BY FIRE, COULD THAT HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF INCENDIARY DEVICE? BUT WHAT THE SHIT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THEM NEGOTIATING TURBULENCE OFF THE FLORIDA COAST?

…OH. OH FuCK. KARKAT.

WHAT? —ARE YOU OKAY? YOU WENT A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT?

KARKAT. WHAT SORT OF. HEAT PRODuCING DEVICE. IS ACTuATED BY PuLLING ON A LANYARD. AND IS READILY AVAILABLE. TO ANY AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE TECHNICIAN.

…OH FUCK.

YES. OH FuCK.

CALL THEM uP. TELL THEM. TO LOOK FOR. ALL THE OXYGEN GENERATORS ON BOARD. SEE IF ANY ARE MISSING. OR. IF THERE IS ONE EXTRA. THE REMAINS OF ONE.

I THINK. WE HAVE IT.

IT’S UNPROFESSIONAL TO SAY BUT RIGHT NOW I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOUR BRAIN.

~

==> karkat and caliborn: work it out

WHAT DID THE LAB SAY? THOSE THINGS GET UP TO FIVE HUNDRED DEGREES WHEN THEY’RE OPERATING AND THE KEY ASPECT IS THAT HEY, THEY ALSO GENERATE OXYGEN WHICH IS WHY WHEN YOU LET A BUNCH OF THEM OFF IN A SEALED CARGO HOLD YOU DON’T GET A SELF-EXTINGUISHING FIRE LIKE THE HOLD DESIGNERS PLANNED, YOU GET VALUJET 592. YES. YES. NO. FINE. I’M HOLDING.

JESUS CHRIST THESE PEOPLE DON’T GET THE CONCEPT OF “EXPEDITE.”

—YEAH. OKAY. THOUGHT SO. THANKS.

WHAT DID THEY SAY?

YOU WERE RIGHT, THERE WERE FRAGMENTS OF METAL CONSISTENT WITH THE CASING OF AN OXYGEN GENERATOR FOUND IN THE REMAINS OF THE TAIL. AND NOT ONLY THAT, THERMAL DESTRUCTION TO THE HYDRAULIC SYSTEMS INDICATED AN EXTREMELY FAST HOT FIRE. TEMPERATURES ESTIMATED TO REACH TWO THOUSAND DEGREES AT LEAST.

GREAT. SO WE HAVE THE GENERATOR. PLACED THERE BY PERSON OR PERSONS uNKNOWN. AND ACTuATED. BY EITHER TuGGING ON THE LANYARD. OR SOMETHING STRIKING THE FIRING PIN.

YOU SAID EARLIER ABOUT THE MOVEMENT OF THE TRIM SURFACES. HOW FAR WOULD THE LANYARD NEED TO TRAVEL TO TRIGGER THE MECHANISM?

ODDLY ENOUGH. I DON’T KNOW OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. BuT THAT IS WHY WE HAVE PEOPLE AT HOME WHO KNOW THESE THINGS. GIVE ME MY PHONE.

~

KARKAT. WRITE THIS DOWN. THE TYPE OF CHEMICAL OXYGEN GENERATORS. ON BOARD THE ACCIDENT AIRCRAFT. WILL ACTuATE WITH A ONE TO FOuR POuND PuLL ON THE LANYARD. CAPACITY IS EQuAL TO ABOuT TWENTY MINuTES OF PEAK OXYGEN FLOW. OuTER CASING WILL HEAT uP RAPIDLY ON ACTIVATION. AND MAY REACH FIVE HuNDRED DEGREES F WITHIN A COuPLE OF MINuTES.

ONE TO FOUR POUNDS IS NOT A LOT.

GIVEN SOME OF THE RuDDER AND STAB TRIM INPuT IN THE FDR. I THINK IT’S ENTIRELY PLAuSIBLE. THAT ATTACHING THE LANYARD TO THE ACTuATING MECHANISM. WOuLD BE LIKELY TO TRIGGER THE GENERATOR. DuRING OR AFTER THE EPISODE OF TuRBuLENCE.

SO SOMEONE KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT THESE THINGS RIGGED ONE TO GO OFF THE MINUTE THE PILOTS HAD TO DO ANY MAJOR RAPID STEERING CORRECTIONS. WHAT THE CRYSTALLIZING FUCK.

SOMEBODY WAS DEEPLY. DISGRuNTLED.

FUUUUCK. OKAY. FINE. COOL. I’M CALLING HQ TO LET THEM KNOW IT’S SABOTAGE AND TO ASK THAT ASSHOLE WHO CALLED IN THE BOMB THREAT IN THE FIRST PLACE WHAT HE HAPPENS TO KNOW ABOUT EXOTHERMIC REACTIONS AND EMPENNAGE TRIM MOTION.

I’M CALLING MY HQ TO TELL THEM TO START SETTING uP SOME TESTS. IT’S A GOOD HYPOTHESIS. BuT WE NEED TO PROVE IT.

ALSO. I’M LOOKING uP HOTELS IN SCOTLAND. I’M DOING THAT CONCuRRENTLY. BECAuSE I CAN MuLTI-TASK LIKE A MOTHERFuCKER.

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER UTTERED. ~ 

==> karkat: draft executive summary

PRELIMINARY ASSESSMENT OF AIRCRAFT ACCIDENT

UNCONTROLLED FLIGHT INTO TERRAIN ON FINAL APPROACH FOLLOWING LOSS OF ALL HYDRAULIC SYSTEMS DUE TO ONBOARD FIRE: BRIGHTAIR FLIGHT 582 BOEING 737-200, N5298

PROVIDENCIALES, TURKS & CAICOS ISLANDS

JUNE 13, 2012

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: ON JUNE 13, 2012, ABOUT 20:15 EASTERN STANDARD TIME, BRIGHTAIR FLIGHT 582, A BOEING 737-200, N5298, EXPERIENCED SUDDEN LOSS OF CONTROL OVER THE HORIZONTAL STABILIZER FOLLOWED BY COMPLETE FAILURE OF ALL HYDRAULIC SYSTEMS. THE AIRCRAFT PITCHED SHARPLY NOSE-UP, STALLED, AND CRASHED SHORT OF RUNWAY 28 AT PROVIDENCIALES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, TURKS & CAICOS ISLANDS. THE AIRCRAFT WAS DESTROYED BY IMPACT AND SUBSEQUENT FIRE. ALL FOUR CREWMEMBERS AND 105 PASSENGERS ABOARD WERE KILLED. THE SCHEDULED, INTERNATIONAL PASSENGER FLIGHT WAS OPERATING UNDER THE PROVISIONS OF 14 CODE FEDERAL REGULATIONS ON AN INSTRUMENT FLIGHT RULES PLAN. VISUAL METEOROLOGICAL CONDITIONS PREVAILED AT THE TIME OF THE ACCIDENT.

PROBABLE CAUSE: IT WAS DETERMINED BY NTSB AND AAIB INVESTIGATORS AT THE SITE THAT A VERY RAPID AND HOT FIRE HAD OCCURRED WITHIN THE VERTICAL STABILIZER CAVITY AT OR NEAR THE LOCATION OF THE POWER CONTROL UNITS FOR THE RUDDER AND HORIZONTAL STABILIZER/ELEVATORS. THE REMAINS OF A STANDARD SCOTT AVIATION CHEMICAL OXYGEN GENERATOR WERE ALSO FOUND IN THIS LOCATION. TESTING AT AAIB LABORATORIES INDICATED THAT AN ACTIVATED OXYGEN GENERATOR IN THIS AREA WOULD HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF IGNITING INSULATION AND OTHER MATERIALS IN THE STABILIZER CAVITY AND SUSTAINING COMBUSTION THROUGH THE OXYGEN PROVIDED DURING THE REACTION PHASE. FINDINGS INDICATE THAT THE TEMPERATURE WITHIN THE STABILIZER CAVITY REACHED APPROXIMATELY 2000 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

THE PRESENCE OF THE DESTROYED OXYGEN GENERATOR IS INEXPLICABLE IN ANY SCENARIO OTHER THAN DELIBERATE SABOTAGE. CURRENT JOINT HYPOTHESIS STATES THAT THE GENERATOR WAS PLACED WITHIN THE STABILIZER CAVITY AND ITS ACTUATION LANYARD FIXED TO THE BELL CRANK OR PUSH RODS ACTUATING THE RUDDER. WHEN THE AIRCRAFT PASSED THROUGH AN AREA OF TURBULENCE OFF THE FLORIDA COAST, THE PILOTS APPLIED RUDDER INPUT SUFFICIENT TO MOVE THE CONTROLS TO THE POINT WHERE THE LANYARD WAS PULLED PAST ITS 1 TO 4 POUND LIMIT AND SET OFF THE OXYGEN GENERATOR, CAUSING THE OUTER CANISTER TO RAPIDLY HEAT UP AND IGNITE MATERIALS IN THE TAIL.

IT IS PROBABLE THAT THE FIRE WAS BURNING IN THE TAIL SECTION FOR APPROXIMATELY FIFTEEN TO TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE THE CONTROLS FAILED. FDR DATA INDICATE THE TRIM SETTINGS FOR THE PITCH CONTROL JAMMED IN THE FULL NOSE UP POSITION, FOLLOWED BY TOTAL LOSS OF CONTROL OF THE RUDDER.

THE ACCIDENT WAS NOT SURVIVABLE.

ON ITS DEPARTURE FROM BOSTON LOGAN INT’L AIRPORT, A BOMB THREAT WAS REPORTED REGARDING FLIGHT 582. THIS WAS DETERMINED NOT TO BE CREDIBLE AND THE INDIVIDUAL CONCERNED WAS TAKEN INTO CUSTODY. INVESTIGATORS ARE CONTINUING TO WORK WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT TO DETERMINE THE CHAIN OF EVENTS LEADING UP TO THE PLACEMENT OF THE GENERATOR IN THE ACCIDENT AIRCRAFT.

~

THERE. THAT’S DONE. NOW I GET TO TAKE YOU TO SCOTLAND AND NOT ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE FOR SEVERAL DAYS IN A ROW. IMAGINE THE BOWEL-CLENCHINGLY BLISSFUL SILENCE.

NO. I GET TO TAKE YOu TO SCOTLAND. AND FEED YOu HAGGIS. AND DO FILTHY THINGS TO YOu IN A KILT.

OOH, MR. ENGLISH. OOH.


End file.
